Two ears and one heart, active listening

Enabling change means changing people's behavioral patterns; it could be yourself or someone else -- usually, both should change. However, people's willingness and ability to change their behavior vary, and the key lies in whether they can use various interpersonal communication methods skillfully and rationally. Among these methods, the core skill is: active listening.

Listening to content, also "listening" to emotion

"Active listening" is an interactive process that enhances understanding in two or more people's exchanges. Good listening is not passive behavior, it requires the listener to put in effort, undivided attention, and responsiveness.

Any message that people try to convey consists of two parts: the content of the conversation, and the underlying emotion or attitude behind the content. The total meaning of the message includes the speaker's point of view, as well as his inner emotions. When the listener responds, he is expressing an understanding of (the general meaning of) what he just heard. Often, the listener does not present its own point of view, but simply responds or summarizes the meaning of what is heard.

In real life, "understanding others" is easy to say, but not easy to do. Therefore, the listener should try to see things around them the way the speaker sees them. There are some ways to test this ability, such as repeating the speaker's intended meaning in their own words. Experience tells us: unless you repeat the content is affirmed by the speaker, otherwise you do not really understand the intention of the other party's speech.

If the listener is attentive to listening, the speaker will be more willing to clarify his thoughts and choose a better way to express it, so that the listener can accurately understand his own feelings and thoughts. Team members listen to each other more humbly, reduce arguments and embrace different viewpoints. That is, listening reduces the chances of your opinion being criticized.

Active listening is an important way to bring about change. In fact, some of the most successful approaches to specialist counseling and psychotherapy rely on listening skills. Despite the popular belief that "listening" is a passive behavior, research shows that keen listening is one of the most effective ways to drive team progress.

Listening to someone consistently and actively is actually sending the message that you are very interested in the person, think his feelings are important, and respect his ideas (even if you don't agree). his thoughts). In addition, you value his efforts, understand his thoughts, and think his words are worth listening to. In the end, it can also make the other person feel that you are indeed a trustworthy person who can communicate frankly.

If you just tell someone in words that you "respect" them, it's hard for them to believe it. However, actions speak louder than words, and actively listening to what the other person has to say is actually a silent expression of your respect for others.

"Active listening" consists of two important parts: message clarification, which is understanding the content of the message; and empathic response, which is acknowledging the emotional part of the message. You must use both the ear and the ear, both to listen to the content with the ear and to "listen" to the emotion with the heart.

Information Clarification: Listening to Content with Both Ears

Feedback Response Feedback response is often one of the most effective ways to clarify content. For example:

Repeat the other person's words: "You are tired today."

Explain the other person's words: "Let me try to express your point of view in my own words..."

Summarize the other person's point of view: "You are the most The two areas of dissatisfaction seem to be..."

Clarify the other person's point of view: "Then, your suggestion on this matter is..."

Identify the other person's subtext: "I think your implication is that ---You think someone else will solve the problem."

Asking the other person to expand their point of view Another effective response is to ask the person to expand their point of view. Specifically:

Example: "Can you give an example of what is bothering you?"

Define: "Can you explain to me what you mean by...?"

Summarize: "Can you summarize for me the points you just mentioned?"

Further explanation: "Can you explain your point a little more deeply?"

Substantiate his point: "What do you think will happen after the conversation?"

Explanation of contradiction: "You What I just said seems to contradict what I said in the morning, how should I understand it?"

The source of the idea: "When did you start thinking like this?"

Find out how much the speaker cares about the matter: "To you It doesn't seem like it matters."

Avoid responses that don't help clarify content Examples of invalid responses include:

Agreeing with the other person: "Yeah, that guy is a real idiot."

Body language of approval: nods, gestures, facial expressions, etc.

Disagree with the other person's point of view: "How can you say that, she's a good person."

Body language expressing disagreement: shaking head, gestures, facial expressions, body posture, etc.

Induce a specific response: "I think you do want to get revenge on them."

Manipulate the other person into a specific response: "He can't put people down like this, next time you should Hit back hard."

Show prejudice in an odd tone: "Didn't anyone teach you how to use this machine?"

State your opinion: "The reason it doesn't work is... ..."

Arguing: "No, that's not the case!"

Misinterpreting the opponent's point of view: "On this issue, you don't think you have the confidence to fight against her."

Sympathetic response: one heart "Listening" to emotion

Responding to both content and emotion This is the most effective way to respond:

Accurately reflect the main point of the other person's speech: "You care about the way you work with others."

Accurately reflect superficial (obvious) emotions: "You seem a little irritable today." "I guess you must have been pissed."

Tell the person that you recognize his feelings and understand his thoughts: "When she hits When you cut off your words, you didn't think she was interested in what you had to say."

Add new meaning to the other person's words: "It seems that you have a little bit of resentment towards him, too."

Help the other person on a deeper level Self-Analysis: "Besides feeling ignored, do you feel anything else?"

Avoid knowing little about the speaker's emotions Consequently, such responses are often unhelpful, such as:

Denying the other person's right to feel that way: "You shouldn't think that way because..."

Not accepting the other person's feelings: "You are not distressed, you are just Can't see things the way I do."

Preaching:"You have to blame yourself...""You made a mistake, and of course people will be angry."

Advice or tell someone what to do:" If I were you, I'd let him know how good I am." "Next time you have to think about it before you modify your work procedures."

Determine the other person's feelings: "If you look at it this way, it means You have a problem with me."

Ask silly questions: "What does it mean when you feel like you're being demeaned?" "Are you really confident about doing this project well?"

Ask for more information: "She embarrassed you in front of everyone, who was there, and what did they say?"

Attempt to solve the problem: "If they just follow the instructions, the problem will be solved for sure ."

Find reasons for other people's behavior: "You're uncomfortable seeing me because..."

Never ignore the emotions of the speaker Sometimes, ignoring the emotions of the speaker can also have certain adverse consequences, such as:

Responding to the speaker's very obvious emotions;

Responds completely irrelevant;

Likes to criticize or judge others;

Be mean, like to belittle others, or habitually reject others.

Seven Principles of Advanced Listening

Follow these seven principles when reacting to what you hear:

Use your own words to restate the other person's point of view, not imitate or copy.

●When restating the other party's point of view, you should use "you think..." "you think..." "your idea seems to be..." "sounds like..." at the beginning of the sentence. With the improvement of skills, you can gradually give up such sentence patterns.

●Organize language in a statement rather than a questioning manner to express your response clearly.

●If there is a short pause in the other party's speech, do not rush to interrupt.

●If the other party expresses a variety of emotions and thoughts (such as in a longer speech), they should only respond to the emotion they express last.

●Respond only to the speaker's exact meaning, and do not extend his intention without authorization, even if you think you understand it correctly.

●When the other party's two speeches contradict each other, you should only respond to the most recent speech. These inconsistencies result from the speaker's emotional development or self-reflection.

If you want to help the other person understand their emotions and thoughts, avoid giving them "approve" or "disapprove" hints. Especially when the other party feels restless, you should avoid asking the other party questions, asking for evidence, refraining from blaming and explaining, not making suggestions or persuading them, and don't make promises or express sympathy to the other party. The important thing is that his emotions should be recognized.

Original text reproduced with permission from the Strategic Connections Inc website (http://www.strategicconnections.com/Active_Listen.htm). Author John P. Dickinson is copyrighted with John Dickinson & Co. Ltd. Translated by Jin Jiji. John P. Dickinson is an organizational and human resources consultant with over thirty years of experience working in North America, Europe and Asia.